This is fucking ecstasy.

I went to a baby shower on Friday.

That’s when it really started.

I miss my baby, not really MY baby anymore, I suppose.

I miss the baby I put up for adoption almost a year and a half ago.

Seeing my friends opening the gifts everyone got for baby and seeing how happy they were just made me realize how sad I really am that I was not able to do that.

Seeing my friend share her joy and happiness with her faimily, friends, and boyfriend reminded me of how all my family, friends and boyfriend got to share was the feeling of losing something really special.

I know that in the long run, it was the right decision. but it makes me feel like a fuck up. Ecspecially right now. My mom and I got evicted, our car got reposesed, I work at a shitty sandwich shop. How could I really raise a child in a situation like that? I couldn’t.

That doesn’t mean I couldn’t love it with everything I had. I could but I know that wouldn’t of been enough.

Seeing my friend there with her dad, and seeing how happy he was makes me realize that my dad never got to and will never get the chance to do anything like that.

He wasn’t there to tell me that I was doing the right or wrong thing. He wasn’t there to tell me that he was proud of me after everything was said and done.

I don’t think I will ever have kids. I don’t know my mind is just very confused and down. it’s like it’s running a million miles a minute but I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking. I am so scared that I will not be a good parent. I shouldn’t even be worrying about this right now. I’m only 18, right?

But I’m truely terrified.